SEVEN DEADLY SECRETS
by Hawkmamaknows
Summary: The Seven Deadly Sins come together to heal from the Ten Commandments arc. As they reconnect as a group, secrets are revealed that threaten to tear the group apart.
1. FOOD

HAWK MAMA BACK

BEST BOY BACK

BLONDE DEMON BACK

BIG BOOBS BACK

HAWK MAMA NEEDS VACATION

HAWK MAMA GET SECRETS

HAWK MAMA SELL TO HIGHEST BIDDER

PUUUUGGGOOOOOOOOOO

* * *

 **Food**

The Seven Deadly Sins sat around a very large table at the Greasy Bums Meat Cakes tavern. It was mostly empty, the tavern dark and dank, and as gloomy and as strangely smelly and greasy and slimy as usually. Most of them were keeping their hands in their lap, being very careful to not touch random stains that were on everything. Almost all the buildings around the tavern were destroyed, but this place was pretty much untouched. The Ten Commandments arc had just ended three days ago, and they were all physically and emotionally scarred from the experience. Meliodas had insisted that they get together and talk things through.

"But why, Captain?" King asked, yawing as he floated on his pillow. "We never talked out things before."

"Exactly!" Meliodas said, banging on the table. "Imagine how much less suffering we would have all had to go through if we had all just sat down and had a damn conversation!"

The others looked at each other skeptically. "Well. Yes- but… What about the rules?" Escanor asked. It was night, so he spoke up rather nervously, sitting in between Ban and a human-sized Diane.

"Ppppffffffttt," he answered, covering the table in his spit. "Those rules are so 2012. Can anyone even remember more than, like three of them?" The others shook their heads, so Meliodas said, "So I've arranged for some teambuilding time for us."

Merlin looked around with a wrinkled nose. "And why are we here, exactly?"

Meliodas grinned. "Because with what I have planned, we're going to need to drink, and with the Boar Hat still smashed into pieces, this is the only other bar that will let us in."

Just then the waitress approached saying, "Hi, can I take your- oh! It's you!"

They all turned and looked in surprise to see it was none other than Princess Elizabeth! "Princess!" shouted King. "What are you doing here? Why are you working in a dive like this?"

Elizabeth giggled and blushed and put her hand to her cheek. "Oh, I just got so used to waitressing that I figured I should keep doing it. Plus I need some extra cash to support all of my eight children."

"But you're royalty?" Daine says in confusion.

"Oh, well Mommy might also need some peace and quiet too," she laughs, the sound of a man slurring a round of curses by the bar behind her- before he slams his mug over another man's head, glass shattering everywhere, echos around the bar as fights break out. "yes, peaceful." She says dreamily, before she took their orders and breezes away. Meliodas watches her longingly, but his attention snapped back when Ban says, "So how long are we here for?"

"Well," he answered with a grin, "That's up to the doctor to decide."

"What doctor?" Merlin asked suspiciously, when suddenly a high pitched voice squealed from the floor, "Doctor Hawk, PhD, at your service!"

"Since when are you a doctor?" King said with a frown, looking suspiciously at Hawk's white coat and glasses perched on the end of his pig snout.

Hawk stomped over and pulled himself up on the table. "I double-majored in Scraps Removal and in Psychology. So let's get started!"

"What do you have in mind for us?" Meliodas asked.

Hawk wiggled his nose several times just as Elizabeth returned with drinks, "What we need from this group is to reconnect. I propose that we each share something personal, something no one else knows. We can rebuild the trust in this group by sharing something intimate."

"Ewwww," Diane groaned as Ban said, "I don't think so, Master!"

"Oh, come on!" Hawk squealed. "You guys are my first clients, and now that we don't have a tavern I gotta make some scrap money!"

"Okay!" Meliodas shouted, pumping a fist in the air and accidentally on purpose punching Elizabeth right in the right tit, "Let's get sharing!"

The Seven Deadly Sins all looked at each other for 45 minutes. No one really blinking, or moving. Then finally Hawk shouted, "Someone has to go first!"

"I'll do it," said Gowther, and everyone looked at him in surprise.

"You?" Meliodas said. "Really? You have a secret to confess?"

"Precisely," Gowther shrugged. Pushing up his glasses that were now very greasy. "I've been trying to keep secrets as part of my research into the human experience." He cleared his throat and said, "I like the Captain's cooking."

The other six Sins, who all happened to be sipping their incredibly greasy ale from the even greasier mugs, all spit simultaneously, dousing Gowther completely. The Goat Sin, however, simply removed his glasses and wiped them on a greasy napkin.

"How?" Escanor wailed.

"Have you- have you actually _tasted_ it?" Ban asked.

"You don't even eat!" Diane shouted.

Gowther nodded. "I shall answer all of your questions. How I enjoy it is I put it in my mouth and experience pleasure. Yes, I have tasted it. And yes, I do eat, but I choose not to."

Meliodas slammed down his mug. "But wait, a minute, Gowther. If you like my cooking so much, why don't we ever see you eat any?"

"It's simple," he explains. "Your cooking brings agony and despair to everyone else. I did not want to be excluded from the group for my strange tastes. However, my enjoyment for the Captain's food has ruined my taste for all others, and in fact I get rather… excited when I eat it. So I just forgo food altogether in order to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment."

The others look at each other for a long moment, and then nod. "Okay then!" squeaks Hawk, making a note in his notebook. "Who's next?"


	2. TALENT

**Talent**

The Seven Deadly Sins regarded one another uneasily. It had been several minutes since Gowther had revealed that he liked Meliodas' cooking, and they were all still reeling from the news, not least of all, the Captain himself.

"Well now," Hawk said, clearing his throat, "who's next?"

"Escanor!" shouted both Ban and Diane. The others nodded firmly.

"Wait, why me?" the small man pouted.

"Because we said so," Ban growled, waving at Elizabeth for another round. "Now give it up."

Escanor cleared his throat. "Oh, well, hm." He adjusted his tie, and then straightened his glasses, and then smoothed his moustache. "Well, I suppose- I mean, it's not really a _secret_ per se, but more of an… unusual trait? Perhaps?"

King huffed. "Just spit it out, Escanor!"

"Fine, fine," the Lion Sin muttered. Then he stood, drawing himself up as high as his tiny nighttime frame would allow, and announced, "I can shove things up my ass."

Meliodas burst out laughing, Diane and King exchanged a look, and Merlin looked a bit nauseous. But it was Ban who said, "Yeah, but who can't?" and drew stares from the rest.

"What?" Ban said nervously, snatching two mugs from Elizabeth's tray as she approached the table. "I heard from a buddy, don't look at me like that. Tell us more, Escanor!"

"Yes, please," Gowther said, tilting his head a bit. "I would like to learn more about shoving things up asses."

Diane put up a finger. "Wait a second," she said. "Ban kind of has a point, as weird and creepy as it is. Shoving things up your ass isn't exactly a talent."

"Yes, I understand that," Escanor said sheepishly. "But as I grow into- into _him_ \- my asshole gets bigger as well, and so I can shove increasingly larger things in my ass."

Everyone stops to consider this for a moment before bursting into questions at once: "How big is big?-How many?-Do you do it yourself or does someone help?-Anything get stuck?-Ever use a plant or a tree?"

Escanor held up a hand to quiet them. "If you would like, I could give you a demonstration…?"

Half of them yelled, "YES!" while the other half yelled, "HELL YES!" Escanor nodded and then looked over at Merlin sheepishly. "My goddess, would you do the honor…?"

Merlin, who had not uttered a word this entire time, scowled at him with her arms folded. "I thought," she hissed, "that we agreed to take this to the grave."

Escanor cleared his throat. "Yes, but since we basically can't be killed, that promise no longer makes sense. Besides, this is for our comrades!" He quickly unbuttons his trousers and drops them down, turning and bending over. He reaches around and grabs his flabby, pasty, wrinkled, white old man cheeks and pulls them apart. "Can everyone see?" he calls between his legs.

"Unfortunately!" King answers in disgust.

"Excellent!" Escanor says. "Now you can see that I would barely manage to get a pencil up there at this point, right? Can you all see that?"

They all murmur in agreement, and Escanor rights himself, his gigantic schlong hanging near his knees. "Okay then. Now, if my lady would be so kind."

With a heaving sigh and a roll of her eyes, Merlin stands. Her hands go to the lapels of her long coat, and in a flash she pulls it open, revealing her bare breasts. The entire table goes silent in shock as they all stare for a long moment, and then Merlin covers herself again with the fabric, it staying in place somehow without any clasps or pins or zippers or buttons or duct tape. She rolls her eyes again and gestures towards Escanor, and reluctantly they turn their gaze away from the dark-haired beauty to the glorious Sin of Pride.

Escanor's eyes are glazed over as he begins to grow, his body expanding with hard, chiseled muscle, his hair growing into a thick, lustrous mane, his skin turning a beautiful, glowing bronze. As his bulk overwhelms the Greasy Bums Meat Cakes, the others are pushed backwards until he arrives at his full height. "Now," he said, his voice booming through the room. "Do any of you dare to doubt my asshole?"

"No one doubts your asshole, Escanor," Merlin answered with a huff.

"SPLENDID! I SHALL DEMONSTRATE," he proclaimed. Escanor turned around and bent, his taut, round buttocks now hard and muscular and the color of caramel. He gripped his cheeks with his thick, meaty hands and pulls them apart.

The Lion Sin's asshole is now as large and thick as the rest of him, the dark tunnel almost winking at them as they are hypnotized by the sight. "What the hell~" Ban said with a low whistle.

"King," Escanor commanded, "get something and shove it in there."

"Why me?" the Fairy King whined, but Diane smiles at him. "Please?" she asks. "I want to see what happens."

King quickly spun around, searching for the largest item he can find, and settles on a bottle of ale. "Are you sure?" he asks as he tentatively approaches.

"Who decides what goes into my asshole?" Escanor says in response. "I do."

King shrugs and presses the bottle forward. Absolutely no resistance is given; instead, the bottle disappears into the abyss.

"Child's play," Escanor laughed. "Who else dares to challenge me?"

Excited now, the rest jump up and start to scour the Greasy Bum Meat Cakes for items. They push in a lamp, several candles of varying length and thickness, a whole turkey, a mason jar, a pineapple; but when a semi-drunk Ban picks up Dr. Hawk, Meliodas finally calls an end to the game. "All right, Escanor," he said. "You've proven your point."

Escanor nodded. "Very well. I shall now return to my normal size. Gowther, if you would do the honors?"

Gowther stood and grabbed the lapels of the black vest he is wearing, his chest bare underneath. He pulled the fabric open and exposed his chest and torso to the room. Instantly, Escanor began to deflate like a day-old party balloon, until he is once more the size of a slightly taller Meliodas. As they all take their seats, Elizabeth hurrying over with a fresh round, Meliodas leans over and asks, "Escanor, something I'm wondering though… where do the things go? Like, do they… come out eventually?"

Escanor shrugged as he tightens his belt. "Never seen again, actually. My best guess is they go to another dimension."

Meliodas nodded. "Makes perfect sense," he says as he takes a drink of ale.


	3. FAMILY

**Family**

"Can the next one not involve something disgusting?" King says, curling up on his green pillow.

"Sure!" says Dr. Hawk. "Why don't you go next, that way you can decide what we talk about?"

King falls off the pillow, smashing onto the table with a loud crash, and quickly rights himself so he is sitting in the center. "Me? Next?"

Diane laughs. "King doesn't even have any secrets!" She giggles again and tugs on one of her ponytails. "Do you, Harlequin?"

Clearing his throat loudly, King quickly grabs a handful of greasy napkins, shoving them up his nostrils to preemptively stop the nosebleed he feels coming. "Well, to be honest," he says, his voice incredibly nasal and irritating, "I do have one secret. Yes, just one. No more than that."

"All right," says Dr. Hawk, noting the fact that King has one and only one secret in his notebook. "Go ahead, it will make you feel much better to share."

The others lean in slightly, curious now what King's one and only secret could possibly be. The fairy looks at each of them with reddened cheeks and says, "All right, all right. The truth is, the fairy race came from a flower that grew from the Sacred Tree. It sprouted seeds one year, and the seeds turned into fairies, and that's where we came from."

Everyone kind of deflated at that. "Leave it to King to have a boring secret," Ban muttered, but then Meliodas said, "I never heard of that before. Are you sure that's true?"

King nodded. "Yeah, it's true. And since only a handful of the seeds survived, every generation after that has been horrifically inbred. In fact, we are all products of incest several times over. Most of the fairy children are born horribly deformed, and we make them work in the candy mines inside the Sacred Tree, so that their ugliness cannot taint the beauty of the Fairy King's Forest. Only the normals like me are allowed out. That's why you don't see very many fairies around, and why we're all a pack of weirdos."

All of the Sins gaped at him, their mouths hanging open, until Ban smacked his hand on the table, causing them all to jump. "Whaddya mean, you're all incest?" he shouted. "Are you telling me you and Elaine-"

"We're siblings," he explained. "But I'm also Elaine's uncle, and she's my aunt, and we're cousins, and second cousins, and Elaine is also my grandmother on my father's side."

"That's… odd," Merlin remarked.

King nodded, and Gowther said, "So if Ban became your brother-in-law, he'd also be your nephew, uncle, cousin, second cousin, and step-father?"

King nodded again, and Meliodas said, "That means if they have a son, he'd be your nephew, cousin, second cousin, second cousin once removed, and first cousin?"

King nodded again, and Escanor said, "So that means your mother was your sister, niece, cousin, aunt, and daughter?"

"Kind of?" King said, and then Diane said, "So does that mean if we get married, Elaine would be my sister-in-law, niece, great-aunt, cousin, and great-grandmother?"

"That doesn't sound right at all," King said, and then Elizabeth leaned in to ask, two mugs of ale balancing on her large chest, "And if you and Diane have children, then they will be Ban's nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and grandchildren!"

"Wait a second," Merlin said. "That would mean King is his own twin, and he was also twins with his grandmother."

King tried to interrupt with, "Actually, my grandmother-" but _he_ was interrupted by Escanor, who said, "No, no, his grandfather had to marry his father to be his grandson's twin. His mother's mother made his grandmother which is why King and Elaine are second cousins."

"However," Gowther helpfully pointed out, "if Elaine and King had children together, then they would be his children, nieces, nephews, mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins."

Everyone looked at Gowther in disgust. "Way to ruin the fun," Meliodas scolded. "Ew, Elaine and King having children? That's disgusting. Right, Ban?"

He looked over at the Fox Sin for a response. Unfortunately, Ban had fallen off his stool, his hair completely white, his face frozen in fear.


	4. PAST AND PRESENT

**Past and Present**

"Moving right along!" Hawk announced as Escanor and King struggled to get Ban upright again. "Meliodas, since we're halfway through, why don't you go next?"

Meliodas shrugged and looked at Elizabeth, who had paused from clearing the last round to look at him curiously. "Uh, why don't you stay too?" he said, patting his lap. The princess hesitated for a moment before balancing herself delicately on the Captain's knee. "You'll be interested in this I'm sure."

He pulled out a huge book that seemed overstuffed with papers and pictures and items that fell out from between the pages. "This is my scrapbook," he explained, laying it reverently on the table. "Inside I've keep detailed records on all the Elizabeths that I have met over the years, so I could remember them all."

"There are so many!" Elizabeth exclaimed. Hesitantly she reached out and opened the cover, the pages fanning out softly. The others scoot closer to look as she picks up a picture and examines it closely. "Is this..?"

"Yup!" Meliodas exclaimed, giving her breast a reassuring pinch. "That's the first you. The one that started it all." He sighed and pressed his cheek against her face as they gazed at the paper together. "You were so beautiful, even then."

"Let us see!" Diane squealed, the others murmuring in agreement. With a sweet smile Elizabeth traced a loving hand down the front of the paper, gently teaching her fingertips with a sigh of adoration, before turning it over so the others could see.

They all gasped, and then frowned in confusion. It was just a crudely drawn stick figure with two huge ovals where the chest would have been. "What the hell?" Ban said, the bizarre picture snapping him out of his stupor.

"Yeah, sorry," Meliodas said with a lopsided grin. "I took art lessons at the same demon academy that taught me to cook. I guess I'm not that great."

"But listen to what he wrote," Elizabeth said with a bit of a sniffle. "'Elizabeth was the most beautiful, intelligent, amazing, smart, funny, kind, healthy, loving, sparkly, iridescent, magical, soft, special person I have ever met or ever will meet, ever. There will never, ever, ever, ever be another one like her. I would bet one million gold coins that I will never meet another like her."

Elizabeth gave Meliodas a teary smile and he grinned back at her. "I guess I was wrong," he said adoringly, and they nuzzled each other sickeningly.

"Let's see what else is in here," Merlin said hurriedly, pulling the large volume closer so she could spin it around and leaf through it. "Captain," she commented, "You have the handwriting of a serial killer."

"Do I?" he laughed. "Yeah, I learned penmanship there too."

"What does this mean?" the mage asked, her finger settling on a line on a page. "Eliza, 268. Big hands, small butt."

Meliodas nods. "That was 268 years after the Holy War. That one went by Eliza. Big hands. Small ass."

"That's… that's all you had to say about her?" Elizabeth asked in confusion.

"You gotta understand," Meliodas said. " At that point I had been through dozens of you. It was getting hard to come up with new things to say."

Merlin continued reading random pages, and at each one, Elizabeth would grow a bit redder. "Bettina, 1092. Crooked teeth but made excellent sandwiches. Lissette, 1377. Run over by a pack of wilds dogs before first date. Betsy, 1818. Great at archery, even better at BJs. Ella, 2289. Screamer. Babette, 2510. Adorable, bad breath. Liesl, 2774. Legs for days, allergic to cats."

The mage paused, just shaking her head, and Meliodas sighed at all the happy memories. His hands roamed over Elizabeth's hips, but she had her arms folded, her back straight with annoyance. "I can't believe you loved all these women, and they are reduced to just- just notes in a ratty scrapbook!" she snapped, pushing his hands away.

Meliodas gave her an odd look. "Hey, how many guys do you see even keeping a book like this? Every single one of you will now live on forever, because _I_ wrote it down."

Elizabeth huffed. "Well, I suppose…"

"Hey!" Diane said suddenly. "Let's see what he wrote about _our_ Elizabeth!"

The others agreed enthusiastically, and Meliodas hopped up, dropping the princess into a heap on the floor. "No, you really shouldn't."

But Ban used his Snatch ability just as Meliodas reached across the table to take back the book, and the tome went flying over his head and into the Fox Sin's hand. "Let's see," he said happily, and King floated over his shoulder to look.

"Ah, here we are," Ban said. "Elizabeth, 2997. Absolutely gorgeous, dumb as a box of bricks."

"What?!" Elizabeth screeched, scrambling to her feet and whirling on Meliodas.

The Captain put his hands up in defense. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth! I wrote that the first day we met, before I even got to know you! I was going to change it, obviously."

"I'm… I'm _dumb_?" she wailed. "As dumb as a box of bricks?"

Meliodas scoffed. "That's not what it says!" He yanked the book back from a laughing Ban, and read, "See? It says a box of _smart_ bricks. You're like a box of _smart_ bricks." He snapped the book shut with a grin.

Fuming, Elizabeth picked up all of the glasses on the table and dumped them all at once over Meliodas' head. Then she snatched the scrapbook and stomped over to the fireplace, unceremoniously flinging it into the flames. "There!" she shouted at him, flipping him off as she stormed back into the kitchen. "That's from all of us!"

The kitchen door shut with such a slam the entire tavern shook, grease dripping from the ceiling and onto the patrons. "Sorry about your book, Captain," Escanor said as they resumed their seats.

Meliodas shrugged. "It's fine. I still have all the Polaroids."


	5. LOSS

**Loss**

"I guess I'll go next," Diane said with a shrug. The others turned to her as she gave a small smile, pulling her pigtails in front of her face. "Mgrubfagshmrg," she said.

"What?" Dr. Hawk asked.

Diane giggled and moved the hair away from her mouth. "I said," she said, "remember how I lost my Sacred Treasure, Gideon? And then we had to participate in that crazy Fighting Festival? The one where I fought Howzer? And Ban and Captain fought? And Captain had that weird thing happen and broke Ban? And King got beaten up by an old guy? And everyone called him Old Fart? And then I fought Captain? And Captain had those girls there? But it was really because of Ban? So I punched him into the ground? But then the Holy Knights showed up? And I fell down a hole and got naked? And that's how we got back Gideon? Well do you remember when Grand Master Zaratras was killed? And we all got blamed? So Captain made us split up? Did you know I had Gideon with me then? But I didn't have anything else? So you know what I did? Can you guess?"

"What?" asked King, dreamily hanging on her every word. The others looked at each other, trying to figure out what she was trying to say.

"Okay so here's what happened. I didn't have any food, so I decided to get a job, but I don't really know how to do anything except for fighting and I couldn't be a Holy Knight anymore since everyone thought that we killed the Grand Master so I decided that I should go and be like some kind of soldier for hire but everyone is so racist against giants and I couldn't find work anywhere so I was just like wandering around all over the place and I would eat like trees and hay and sometimes horses which was weird because I don't even really like any of those things but I found that if you serve it with some applesauce it kind of makes the rough texture of the meat go down easier so that's what I would do but if I couldn't find apples to make applesauce I would try pears instead but pears don't really-"

"Diane!" Meliodas interrupted. "Can you get back to the hammer?"

The giantess looked at him startled, but then grinned. "Right, Captain! So anyway, I had no food or money or other clothes except for these ones or even a bed or anything so I went to this guy who was named Jimmy or Johnny or something like that who had put up these posters saying he was looking for bodyguards but when I talked to him it turned out _he_ wasn't looking for bodyguards, it was this other guy, but when I went to talk to _him_ he was on vacation so I waited for like four or five days and made more applesauce and by the time he got back from vacation I had like twelve barrels of applesauce and I ended up selling them to a farmer for like three horses so that was enough for me to eat for like a week and as a bonus I made a really nice friend because the farmer had a wife who was super sweet and she lent me some curtains to make some clothes and sometimes she would-"

"~Come oooooonnnnn~" Ban groaned, helping himself to King's drink.

"Right! Sorry! Okay, where was I? Oh, right, so the guy who needed the bodyguard got back and I was like hey do you need a bodyguard and he was like yeah but what are your qualifications and I was like well I was a Holy Knight and he said no you weren't and I said yes I was and he said but you're just a girl and I said no sir I am a woman and he said if you are then prove it so I showed him my vagina and he was so amazed he didn't talk for three days so at the end of the three days he finally came out of his coma and was like yeah okay so you're a girl but how do I know you are actually powerful so I said well let me show you a trick so I picked up this huge boulder and threw it like seventeen miles and it ended up landing on this schoolhouse filled with children and unfortunately they all died but they forgave me in the end because it turned out that it was a school for bad kids and all those kids had like beaten up their grandparents and thrown their dogs in the river and one kid even wrote 'Lioness Sucks' on the side of a building which I don't think is right at all because of all the places I've ever lived I think Lioness is-"

Diane was cut off suddenly when Merlin leaned over the table and smacked her soundly across the face. "Would you _please_ get to the point!" she shouted.

"Fine!" Diane yelled back, rubbing her sore cheek with a pout. "So after I killed all those kids the guy still didn't believe me so I was like look I can't just live on applesauce the rest of my life and he was like oh you like applesauce and I said yeah I like applesauce but not every day for like thirty years and he was like what kind do you eat and I said I make my own and he didn't believe me so I took him to see that farmer that I sold the applesauce to but it turned out he was also the teacher in the bad kid school so I had killed him too and at first I was afraid that his wife who had been my friend would be mad but it turned out he was like cheating on her with a goat so it all worked out and we had a big laugh and she let the guy look at the applesauce and then he was finally convinced that I can make applesauce but he still didn't believe I could be a real bodyguard so I showed him my Gideon but that's when I realized I didn't have Gideon at all!"

The Serpent Sin looked around with a huge grin. Everyone stared blankly back at her, nearly comatose from her incredibly boring story, until finally Escanor shook himself and said, "But you didn't tell us what happened to Gideon!"

"Didn't I?" she said, thinking to herself. She tapped her finger on her lips and said, "Well, I must have lost it sometime between leaving Lioness and making the applesauce."

"Thank you, Diane," Dr. Hawk said, making a note in his notebook. Meliodas leaned over to see what he had written. Scrawled on the paper in his piggy handwriting, it said: "Never let Diane speak again."


	6. PROTECT

**Protect**

"Who's left? Escanor asked the group. All of them were now positively greasy from head to toe, so slipper in fact that Diane had to cling onto the slippery table not to fall off the bench.

"Just Merlin and Ban," answered Dr. Hawk.

The Boar Sin and Fox Sin looked at one another for a moment before Ban yelled, "One two three NOT IT!" And slammed his hand down on the table cackling, a poof of... something wafting into the air from the hit.

Merlin rolled her eyes. "As if that means anything at all."

"Actually," King said, "if you recall the seven rules, rule number two was: there will be no higher authority than 'one two three not it'."

"He's got a point there," Meliodas agreed.

Merlin heaved a sigh before smiling, "Fine, then. Is there anything you'd like to know?"

"Yeah, I have a question," Ban said, raising his hand. "How the hell does your outfit work?"

Merlin looked down, smoothing her hands down her bare torso. "What do you mean?"

"What he means," Diane said, shooting Ban a look, "is that you seem to have, well, the basics covered? But it's not…"

She looked around for help, and then Gowther stepped in and said, "I believe what Diane is meaning is that your outfit, while it covers the basic rules of decency, somehow stays attached to your body without any obvious means. The Sins would all like an explanation."

Everyone nodded and looked at Merlin. The mage looked around at the others with a smile before saying, "No."

"No?" Meliodas asked.

"No," she replied.

"No what?" Ban asked.

"No," she said again.

There was a moment of silence, and then Dr. Hawk said, "Well, there you have it."


	7. PROMISES

**Promise**

"Alright! Thank you Merlin!" Hawk said, writing something down again as they all nod along. All together the group turns to look at Ban, who is chugging down another greasy mug.

"What?" he says, slumping forward drunkenly.

"It's your turn," Meliodas says, reaching out a hand to steady him. He pushes him upwards, which only makes him start leaning to the other side.

Ban lifted the mug and drank the rest of the ale in one long gulp. "Fine," he hiccuped, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "You wanna know a secret?"

"What else have we been doing all week?" Dr. Hawk quipped.

"Fine!" Ban slammed his mug down, "I's got a secret!" he pointed out at them, "It's a biiiiig secret."

"Just hurry up and tell us!"

Heaving a huge sigh, Ban confessed, "I fucked the Sacred Tree."

Everyone blinked several times at the Fox Sin. The blinking went on for a full minute before he pounded on the table and roared, "Well?!"

Meliodas laughed. "That's not a secret. We knew that already."

"You-" Ban gasped unbelievably. "You… know?"

"I knew," King muttered. "You talk in your sleep you know."

"Yeah, about that," Ban said, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You didn't _warn_ me about any of that."

"Hey!" King shouted back at him. "You wanna give me back my title of Fairy King? I'll be happy to take it. Meanwhile, fucking that tree is _your_ responsibility. I can sit down without pain until then!"

The two had an angry stare-off before Ban said, "The rest of you knew too?"

Everyone else nodded. "I saw it in Aldan," Merlin smiled.

"Merlin told me," Escanor said.

"I read your dreams," Gowther explained.

"And I heard it from Hawk Mama," Diane interjected.

Ban sighed. "Well, fuck. Even Hawk Mama knows?" He tapped his chin with his finger thoughtfully. "I guess… well, the truth is, fucking the Sacred Tree is the only sex I've had since Elaine died."

"Awwwww," Diane said sympathetically. "That's terrible. What's the matter, you can't-"

"I'm _fine_ , thank you very much," Ban answered angrily. "But I promised her that I wouldn't be with anyone else after she died, and I've kept my promise."

Escanor cleared his throat. "You just admitted you had relations, with the Sacred Tree…?"

Ban shrugged. "Doesn't count. It's a tree."

King snorted, before he looks down at him with a high and mighty glance. "The Sacred Tree is older than your entire species! It is the predecessor of my entire species-!"

He's cut off as Meliodas coughs into his hand, "Incest."

"The Tree is not some- some thing!" he roars. "You fucked by great great great great great great great great great great great GRANDMOTHER Ban! You should be honored to feel her inside of you!"

Everyone is turning a bit green now. "Speaking of feeling things inside of you," Escanor said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, "Are we done now? We've been here for seven days and honestly I'd like to take a shower." they glance down, noticing how all their clothes are shiny and stiff like metal, completely covered in hardened grease.

"Yeah," Diane agreed. "This gag is seriously played out."

"Damn it!" Ban yells, slamming his hand on the table. "I was really looking forward to you guys freaking out like all the other ones!"

The others shrugged. "I mean, it would have been something if it was original," Escanor said.

"Yeah," Diane agreed. "Like if you fucked the roof of the Boar Hat."

"Or Merlin," King agreed.

"Or yourself," Meliodas agreed.

"Or everyone in Lioness," Elizabeth agreed, suddenly appearing to clear their drinks.

Howzers head pops out of a floor board by their feet, his face grim, "or a giant pig."

"Then on that note," Dr. Hawk announced, "I declare this teambuilding session officially over!"

The Seven Deadly Sins all stood, stretching their stiff muscles as they stood for the first time in days. Merlin leaned over to Meliodas and said, "I don't think that was as helpful as you had hoped it would be."

Meliodas shrugged. "Eh, it was a way to kill time I guess."

The group left together, never to return to the Greasy Bum Meat Cakes again. As Elizabeth cleared their plates away, she suddenly huffed and said, "Those bastards didn't leave me a tip."

Dr. Hawk went on to become the most famous psychiatrist in Lioness. He served as the personal doctor to the king, and was celebrated among all the Lioness nobility until it was discovered that he had falsified his degree.

Gowther bought a house boat and moved to the sea. He lived the rest of his days feeding seagulls and playing solitaire.

Diane entered a professional dance competition. She made it to the final round, when suddenly mid-leap the ground opened up and swallowed the judges as she finally activated the sacred dance of the giants. She ended up coming in third place.

King and Escanor went on to develop a successful skincare line that they sold out of the back of a wagon all around Lioness. However, due to King's horrible gambling issues, he ended up losing all their money and they both had to move into a third-floor walkup.

Merlin moved into a cave to study the ancient secrets of Britannia. No one saw her for years and years, until finally the other Sins went to check on her. They found her buried under a pile of newspapers and dead cats, muttering to herself about finding an eighth sin.

Ban eventually revived Elaine again through some convoluted means that have no place here. On the night before their wedding, she found out about the Sacred Tree and decided that yes, in fact, trees do count. Ban was a bachelor for the rest of his life, and Elaine went on to marry and have seven children with Griamore.

And as for Meliodas? Elizabeth eventually agreed to marry him, and they lived happy, long lives together in the Boar Hat raising her eight tiny bastards. On their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Elizabeth confessed that yes, all of her children really were his and she had put Merlin up to it after agreeing to give her forty percent of the pay out of child support. Meliodas decided right there and then he would become a traveling salesman. A couple years later there was this thing, when his kids started talking about war and becoming the next demon kings and something about murdering the entire human race. He wasn't really paying attention


End file.
